Wednesday, December 16, 2015

On and off

I'm having a hard time.

It is not easy for me to say that.
I've stirred all through today if I should write this post or not.

You see, I'm an only child. I was brought up to think the stars were mine to be had if only I wished for them. There was nothing I couldn't do and most of the times there really wasn't.
I've had things be easy for me for a great deal of what my life has been.
Then there have been the dark spots, the things you never really want to talk to anybody about, not friends, not other members of your family. These are the things which were difficult. For some reasons, reasons unbeknownst to you (Oh, and how I wished I did know why), some things feel difficult.

Going back to school felt like a walk in the park. It was hard, of course, but school is supposed to be like that. You're supposed to feel the neutrons in your brain stretching and bloating, making room for the sins new knowledge you are so eager to engulf. It's been more difficult than university but not impossible.

Up to now. I'm struggling. And for me that is more difficult to say than probably any other phrase in the world. I know how to do a gazillion things but failing is not one of them. My parents have taught me how to ride a bike, read, cook, clean, take photos, be adventurous, be ambitious, pretty much any sport under the sun, take care of animals, fix broken things galore, persevere...nothing about failing gracefully.
I've kept searching for a "What to do when failing" manual in my head but it seems I've come equipped without.

I have a few deadlines, all of which I've started to dread more and more the closer they are approaching. I know I just need to push a little harder, be a bit more focused, try more.
I just don't know where I'll get the strength to do that.
On my way home from work, I always pass a newly put up 2016 Christmas lights sign. It goes off, and then back on, and then off, and back on. It feels like it's a warning hanging over my head every day. 2016 is coming, take notice, do something. It looks like my grandma or mom, or best friend or Mystery, all of which know that "I can do it" while I haven't the faintest of ideas.

I'm contemplating cutting the f-ing power line to the f-ing sign.
Hey that's doing something right?

Kiss and not so much Peace
Miss Sinisterly Sinister this evening

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